Cupid....Revisited

CALEB AND DELANEY LOVE THEIR B-DAY WAGON!!!!
(Notice her bear didn't make the cut--she threw him on the ground)

So, I'm doing what TV networks do when they are out of fresh ideas (or their writers are on strike): playing a re-run. Feel free to visit my "Cupid is Stupid" narrative from Feb. 2006. There, I blogged. :)

Seriously, What Is Wrong With Me?

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Wonton or Dumpling?" (my last fortune cookie)


Since everyone is always telling me that I should meet new people I did something the other day I swore I would never do (much less blog about)............agree to a blind date (sort of). Let me explain: There I was minding my own business both in my office (stamping out death and disease, etc.....well, at least listening to patients, but you get my drift) and in Target (can't a girl check out the housewares clearance aisle in peace anymore?) when I ran into the mom of a guy I went to high school with. I haven't seen him in years (literally) so I always ask about him. We started talking and one topic led to the next and then it let where inevitably it always does....to my singleness and what can be done to change that condition (dreadful as it may be). She assured me she would call with some eligibles' (that's what I'll call them) phone numbers. I didn't think she was serious, but it turns out she did know someone who knew someone who had a nephew who supposedly at least knew who Jesus is, has a job, is not a serial killer, blah blah blah. Reluctantly, I agreed to give out my phone number (which, by the way, is unlisted) after she agreed to pay if I had to have the number changed.

So he called and we talked about an hour or so. He talked. I talked (or rambled...I don't really remember). He said he would call to "go do something." That was 2 weeks ago. You know where I'm headed with this: have I heard from the aforementioned person? Nope. Not even a peep. I don't even really care that much, because I don't know this person. I was a little afronted that I was, in essence, dumped before we technically even met.

Which brings us to the title question.....What is wrong with me? I have, despite having a multitude of "guy friends" over the years, have never had a relationship with someone that I sincerely liked or thought could be A-team potential. Obviously, one non-returned phone call was not enough to set these thoughts in motion (give me a little credit :0), but I have been thinking about this stuff lately. (And discussed some of this with my brother at 10 pm last Saturday evening while we both waited for our 80 year old father to return home from his date.) After much (okay, a couple of hours) of prayerful soul-searching I came to this conclusion: I don't know. I could come up with a laundry list of things, but what would that accomplish? Does this make me shallow? Untrusting of God?

The Past Few Weeks.....

....have been a whirlwind in which i......:


.....have become increasingly frustrated with the drama at work. apparently it was not meant for me to retire my installments of "sha's anatomy." the latest: my front office lady does not take anything i say seriously and calls me "desha." one of my medical assistants has family problems that involve a delinquent cousin, an elderly aunt with a broken hip and dependency issues, a child who cannot stop getting yellow cards at school, a husband who bartered for "romantic time" every time LSU won a football game, and potential initiation of lexapro. (for her, not me.) my other medical assistant may be pregnant after a tubal ligation that was done years ago and a boyfriend who apparently got a rude awakening when he was issued a bench warrant for his arrest for non-payment on some furniture that she told the seller she wasn't going to pay as long as he didn't send her the throw pillows as was originally promised.

......had to tell my aunt (who is now a patient) that she probably has lung cancer (notheing in medical school or residency prepares you for stuff like this)

......had to assure my 70 year old diabetic with heart failure (who just had breakfast at the waffle house including a large OJ and hashbrowns) that i, in fact, am not gaining weight. (thanks)

....have not been able to find local outreach that will allow me to apply the only thing i know how to do to help others....yet

........had to field a phone call from the mother of a guy i went to high school with.....she called me at work.....to try to set me up.......on a blind date......with a guy who goes, oddly enough, to the church i've been visiting....supposedly, as she says," i don't think there's anything wrong with him, he just hasn't found the right person yet" (is that what people say about me? if so, please stop. now. )


........have gone to multiple concerts. here's the rundown: NewSong, Echoing Angels and Jimmy Needham last sunday evening.....it was good stuff. Do not mock....even if you don't like their studio music, there concerts are worth it. my brother took me to one of their concerts when i was in jr high and i've made it to most of them in my area if possible. the echoing angels guys seem pretty cool. nate sallie (now with newsong) had on some low-rise man-jeans that were seriously disturbed. todd, i dare say, would not approve.

monk and neagle, aaron shust, mercyme on my birthday....awesome experience. i really missed having stacy there but was obviously praying for her health. i was excited when i found out she actually heard my attempt to let her hear her favorite song. love me some monk and neagle...could have listened to them for an entire set. my friend marne experienced her first "christian" concert and i think she enjoyed it.....if the happy hand raiser sitting in front of us didn't throw her off... :)

matt wertz and dave barnes last night in BR at the varsity.....i think my sister may actually forgive me for taking my 20 year old nephew to a bar since i told her they were "good kids" (it was for the music, after all). they were pretty much rockin the house even if....i may have been one of the oldest people there and dedra fell asleep on a stool.


....exercised my civic responsibility and voted last saturday. even if the lady kept telling me my name was "not on the list" and i insisted it was (hello? type-a me went to the courthouse to hand deliver my information so i could get registered). for a moment i thought there may be a jesse jackson-like throwdown, but my name was found on the "new registrant" page (who knew?) and confrontation was avoided. it was worth it just to have a new governor outright.

.....got new appliances!!!! i know this may be frivolous on my part, as there was nothing wrong with the ones that were already in the house, but now i feel like the kitchen is complete...and since hospitality is one of my spiritual gifts, let's just consider it an outreach ministry investment

.....turned 30....what can i say? i'm not upset about the age per se, just the fact that the entire last decade of my life has been a blurry mess (in a non-baggage, non-tattoo-bearing, non-reproductive, boring baptist girl kinda way).

.....had some serious introspection about my prayer life.....i will bore you with the details later when i can finish wrapping my mind around it all

Things I Learned Today

(1.) I am getting my own office (for sure)...yeah.

(2.) My histrionic patient who "fell out" at the local Wal-Mart last week and called to demand that her pcp (primary care physician....i.e...me) go see her in the store.......is coming to see me next week.....for a pap smear.....(fabulous).

(3.) The parental units have really dropped the ball with regards to produce education/identification for their children. Apparently all these children (who don't eat and have never seen a vegetable) are now teenagers and work at the local Winn Dixie. They don't know that zucchini are, well, zucchini, and not "cucumber thingys." I kid you not. They also think it's okay to put said vegetables in the same bag as meat.....from the meat counter.....that is uncooked. And then give me a murderous look when I stopped them. Okay: (a.) as a health care provider, i feel it is my duty to prevent the spread of death and disease and (b.) were you raised by a pack of wolves? It is NEVER acceptable to put produce in the same bag or where it can intentionally touch RAW MEAT. EVER. (Unless you're in line for the Mongolian barbecue.) Parents, take note...............and teach your children. An entire generation is at risk. :)

(4.) I can't buy the Ice 2 0 Refrigerator because when I measured (and becasuse of the layout of my kitchen) the space, I really need a counter-depth refrigerator.

(5.) The parish Chamber of Commerce meetings are extremely dull.

(6.) Praying with patients is an ultimate privilege.

Somewhere in the Middle

I have been a Christian for 17 years today. I repeated a prayer in a Sunday School classroom when I was 9 years old because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. When I was 12 years old (almost 13) my mother was very ill and emergently hospitalized due to a gangrenous gall bladder and sepsis. Although I didn't realize it at the time (medical school does give you a little insight), in retrospect, she was likely close to death. This was significant to me because it was probably the first time that someone so close to me was so sick. It was the first time I really thought about death for longer than 5 minutes. All this happened right before my first church trip with the youth group (Centrifuge in Panama City, Fl). From her hospital bed, she insisted that my sister and I go, and because I was selfish and a child, I did. During that trip my preacher's daughter (the one with scoliosis who was home-schooled and didn't really have a talent so she taught herself sign language so she could do "interpretive signing" set to music for sunday morning specials) got saved.

This, oddly enough, started a series of events in our youth group which resulted in a huge revival in our church. Many of the youth got saved that summer. God began dealing with me about the sincerity (or lack thereof) of my own salvation. I struggled with this for a couple of months---through multiple youth events, sermons, sunday school classes, and an entire week-long revival. The revival ended on a Sunday and I was secretely relieved that I could get a reprive from the doubting and heaviness I was feeling. There's an old song called "Saved to the Uttermost" that the evangelist's wife sang....it goes something like "i'm saved to the uttermost/and i know that i am/washed in the blood of the precious lamb/through the father/through the son/through the holy ghost/i'm saved to the uttermost..." The words of that kept running through my mind because deep down, I knew I couldn't sing that with an honest heart. The next morning (September 10,1990), God spoke to me in His unmistakable voice while I was waiting my turn at bat in Mr. Doughty's 8th grade PE class. I don't remember exactly what was said, only the absolute certainty that I, DeSha, was a sinner, not just someone who committed sins, and I was going straight to hell with my sunday school ribbons in my back pocket. I immediately did the only thing I knew to do.......I faked an illness (yet another sin...see, it never stops). My teacher let me go to the office because he said I didn't look so good. (I guess confrontation with your own mortality can make you look a little pale.)

My precious mother came and picked me up from school--no questions asked--and checked me out. She needed to go by the bank and grocery store if it was okay with me and I felt like it. I told her sure, secretely praying that the rapture would not occur during this time period. When we got home, she asked me if I was okay, and I just blurted out (in between sobs) that I was lost and going to hell.... She, in only the way a mother could (1.) hid her surprise (2.) calmly prayed that God would give me insight (3.) called our pastor and brought me right over to our church to talk with him. He met us in the sanctuary, and let me tell him what was going on. He told me that he could tell something had been on my mind. He prayed for me, and then, in the first pew on the right side opposite the stained glass window with the little crack, I prayed a few simple, broken sentences that changed my life and sealed my fate. I remember praying, "God, I'm a sinner. I need you. Please save me." Afterwards, I told someone that I felt like the weight of a ton of bricks had been lifted off my chest. In one moment that I could never begin to fathom, I know I knew faith, I knew humility, I knew surrender, I knew unconditional love, and I knew Him.

Every year on this day, I used to reflect on my Christian walk---do a self-evaluation of where I was at spiritually. The past few years I've quit doing this. There isn't a particular reason why, other than I was probably either on call or post-call or tired or had a bad day or ashamed of something I'd done or had some other convenient excuse. I feel like my prayer life and relationship with God (and consequently, others) has suffered because of this. Sometimes I feel like I have a bad case of spiritual melancholy. It makes me sad that I know I'm not where I should be. It makes me sad that I'm not sad at times about the things that break God's heart. And it makes me sad that I'm not sad enough to change this in my life.

I kinda had a crusty day at work, and to compensate for this I did something extremely spiritual.....I went for a non-aerobic-activity-walk and then went to Target. I bought the knew Casting Crowns CD and on the way home heard this song, "Somewhere In the Middle":

"Somewhere between the hot and the cold/Somewhere between the new and the old/Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be/Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me/Somewhere between the wrong and the right/Somewhere between the darkness and the light/Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me/Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me/Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control/

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense/deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle/With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is/But will we trade our dreams for his or are we caught in the middle/Are we caught in the middle?

Somewhere between my heart and my hands/Somewhere between my faith and my plans/Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves/Somewhere between a whisper and a roar/Somewhere between the altar and the door/Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more/Somewhere in the middle You'll find me/just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control/Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side/Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle."

I listened to it twice in the car on the way home and realized :

(1) That I'm not the only one who's ever experienced this. (And therefore not totally abnormal)
(2) That God, being, well, God, already knows this about me, and loves me through even the thirsty seasons of my life.
(3) That we are invited to ponder this safe in the restful arms of the Great Shephard---not stranded in the finite pastures of our own reasoning. What a relief.

How humbling. How extragavant. And how fitting to let the Author of Salvation be the Restorer of it's Joy (the best "free gift with purchase" ever). I suddenly feel much better. :)

Funroe

I know I should be ashamed of myself for my lack of contribution for the events of last week......and I am -- a little. I started to blog several different times, but I guess close only counts in horseshoes and I really have no excuse.



Last weekend was great fun. After my drama earlier in the week buying a new/used car, I was ready to be far, far away. (If you ever have the unfortunate experience of dealing with Alan, the Used Car Manager at Team Honda in Baton Rouge, remind him that you know the girl that beat him at his own stupid circular argument. And that it's not very polite to heavy-breathe into the phone while thinking of the next thing to say. Frankly, I didn't enjoy hearing the wheels turning---they sounded a lot like stone...but I digress).......I made it to Monroe at about 9 pm last friday evening and on the way got all caught up on every high school football game in north louisiana. We did in fact watch that show about the pick-up artist. At first you think it's made up, but I guess there are people like this in the world. The host/person with all the pick-up 411 didn't really look like you would want to take advice from him---he mostly just looked like the poster boy for the local viral disease clinic. (Especially with the red baron goggles and that dr. seuss hat....cool....real cool.)



On Saturday, the pre-Ruston festivities involved one of the most painful games of trivial pursuit in recent recollection....Beth Ann basically cleaned house, Stacy renamed all the pies so they would be food-related, and Jessica and I got all the questions we were guaranteed NOT to know....I still can't believe she pulled out Chi Chi Rodrigues.....don't let her fool you, she does know a little about sports. The events of Saturday evening were pretty accurately described......a good time was had by all--even the less-observant members of the party (who still somehow managed to get through medical school and therefore must not be totally clueless :) ).....



Sunday morning was just as humorous as you might picture it. I'm just gonna say that if you're gonna ask visitors to answer most of the questions you, as a teacher (and singles minister), should not be offended if the answers are not the Lifeway/Sunday School version that you were looking for. I think it's pretty safe to say the 3 of us have been through enough in life that we're beyond the standard regurg....and for all he knew, I could have been a flippin' JeHo....(I'm just saying). (More on the baggage later).



Sunday evening Kelly had dinner with us and then came back to Stacy's house for round 2 of trivial pursuit gone awry...........three different conversations, Stacy's prolonged absence, Me being the rather unfortunate player that I am (I really do know stuff....even if I missed the ozone question), and Beth Ann's, shall we say, exuberance regarding the Rangers game she was simultaneously watching, all made for an interesting evening. Kelly, you are a very nice person and it was great to meet you. I'm sorry I went off on Stacy's call partners like that. I get a little touchy when they take advantage of her and/or practice what I believe is "don't care" medicine. There---a whole disorganized paragraph with you in it. :)



I don't know if you'll ever read this again since you actually met me......but Christy, it was a pleasure meeting you. What you guys shared/still share is awesome. I'm still looking into those sermons-on-myspace-things..........I'll get back to you. :0)





Stacy says I am way overdue to blog, and suggested (okay, demanded) that I post something tonight.....sorry it was so boring. Never fear, though, better days are ahead. Here's some topics that are coming up soon.....

****more fun from the strip mall where I proudly practice medicine, where one of my patients "FOIWM" (fell out in Wal Mart)

****why my hospital keeps pimping me out (it's not what you think)

****the search for a new church/ how I finally got baggage

****Why Nazareth was a lot like Livingston Parish

How cute are these guys?